A Modest Proposal to an Aged Beef Crisis

By Ray Ceo Jr. | Edited by Lisa Schulman 
Although they might not be the most tender of meats, the seasoned meats of our most elderly types should be considered a viable option for our aching bellies if this disease is to leave us short of the delicious beef and pork to which we have grown so accustomed, I so modestly propose.
Like a fine aged meat, time has seasoned the seniors to be perfectly paired with a fine wine, or even the repugnant cheese of your desire. Consider the options available to us bloodthirsty peoples, famished as the finite choices we have will soon be plagued with either leafy greens and tossed salads – or – to our utter delight, the salty, mouthwatering thigh or shoulder of our grandparents or great-grandparents who have outlived their welcome and hung on to life longer than any previously studied chart could have ever predicted. Given the choice between those green shrubs that grow from the ground like thinning hairs on the balding heads on top of the very people we should consider, or the perfectly proposed option to feast upon the finest of those elders, our consideration is not without merit.

Nevermore can our bellies be made obese by the cows and pigs that once fed us full; we are now surely face with not having enough of them to fill our empty but enormous stomachs
We must decide to help ourselves to a delicious senior. We can ever so delicately acquire the finest of elders to feast upon, paying our good respects to those who are so deserving in our dinner hours of need.
Given the choice of those nasty roots and paltry appetizers that barely satisfy our growling lust for meats, or to feast on our aged population, we have no option at all, it appears. It’s as if we could only decide between starvation by leafy greens, or our elderly. It is blatant that we have been given no true option at all and must and so we shall. 
Rather than ransack the plains of this earth, we should undoubtedly ransack the nursing homes and assisted living communities to spare ourselves of dirtying our hands picking the very plants the animals we feast upon to fill their delicious bellies. We are, of course, the top of the food chain and a shortage of what our dinner feasts upon consist should not degrade us to face no alternative but to graze upon the same.
Given our respects and kind allotment of experiences, our newest prey may delight into early morning risings, making them easy to hunt. If we cannot find them in their nursing homes, popping  pills to extend their lives, like chickens forced to take antibiotics and estrogen to over-accentuate their breasts for slaughter, then surely, we will find our perfect dinner entrees where we shop already; that is in our groceries stores on discount days, or during the special extra hour or so we have allotted just for them to shop. If all else fails, we could reopen the casinos and hunt for them there, finding them frittering the government benefits and pensions, which we can then reclaim to balance the growing deficient. 

Considering the risk of the very disease that has plagued our sad nation – this is a modest proposal which should be viewed as a solution to the public health crisis as it most assuredly will work to slow the spread of infection by having fewer at-risk types exposing the general-less-edible-public. All that would need be done is a simple test available at some 70 or so nationwide clinics, where stepping out of the car is unnecessary altogether. Upon successful passing of said test, these wrinkled with flavor nooks and “grannies” can be driven directly to the slaughterhouses and made available to the public in haste. 

They shall consider it an honor, really, as their last act on earth would be to ensure our younger, most work-worthy and plumped with animal flesh generations may continue to eat what we so choose. Our grandparents and great-grandparents who are determined to be kind-hearted and giving may continue to provide long after they’ve been gathered and packaged by butchers and prepared by chefs. Delighted they will be to share of their flesh – surely to be sweet and mouth-watering. The finest of meats that our undeniable quench cannot live without will be quenched once more. While our insatiable addiction to steaks and burgers, ground beef and breakfast bacons may not taste quite the same when sliced off the brittle bones of our matured citizens, they surely will be delicious nevertheless, given their delicately aged and seasoned with life experiences that their flesh does so possess.
Never again shall we be troubled with worry or anxiety of the mere consideration we would be forced to live without the most burgundy red of beefs and porks. Nevermore shall we be troubled with the ill-conceived notion that this disease may leave us without. As we have the most obvious solution to this very problem at our fingertips, it is without a doubt that we must consider this viable resource. Not only will it be a means to stop the spread of disease but also a means to stop the unrelenting drain on our public monies. 
We shouldn’t and shall not be faced with the indescribable pains that leafy lettuce and vomit-colored greens that so do leave our bellies in agony. And we won’t be if we act now to indulge upon our elderly, who sit awaiting our eager cannibalistic needs, ready once again to be our Providers. Our most respected peoples in our oldest populations shall die in honor, and we should eat their flesh in plentiful roasts, chops, and cutlets, I so do modestly propose.

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