Last year I made a deal with my best friend, not to date until I was 25 years old. I wrote about it here. Basically, I needed to take some time off from the dating world. And I did.
Certainly, there were men in and out of my life, mostly in a platonic and/or physical sense. But never did I fall in love. Or felt tempted to. Or even really want to.
For awhile, I was worried about my inability to connect with people on an emotional level, that I had prior to getting addicted to drugs, having my heart trampled on, and almost dying… a few times.
For awhile I was worried that I had loved a man once, he broke my heart, and for a long time I felt like I would never love again.
Certainly, a part of me being emotionally distant from people has been a defense. And maybe a good one.
See, over eleven months ago, I stopped using Meth, and other drugs. When I stopped, I didn’t realize that the biggest drug I was addicted to was love. Truly, insanely addicted. And upon looking at the evidence, it’s obvious that love is indeed a drug. As Ke$ha described in one of her song, and as CNN reported in 2006, love is a drug. And a serious one.
One I don’t really need.
Being addicted love, and other drugs, and giving up all drugs — love included, has been a good decision. I think I can report that I am happy being single, drug free. Perhaps too much so. I have had time to focus on me, I have learned to enjoy my alone time, and learned to love myself. And I have had plenty of time to update on my blog, and listen to my music, and eat whatever the hell I want. It’s nice.
Maybe someday I will fall in love again, or maybe I will focus on my career as a writer and activist. Either way, I win and realized that my heart is not still broken, I am just single, thankfully — and most importantly, happily.