Today marks a couple of anniversaries for me. Both of which I forgot because I have been incredibly busy starting at my new jobs. Both of which make me incredibly proud of where I am in my life — I have certainly come a long way…
First is, one year ago today, I checked myself into a mental health hospital because I was suicidal. My ex and I were fighting (go figure) and I just wanted to end it. I still loved him, and felt completely helpless to that love… this ex (the Joker) had told me to kill myself, and I one upped him by checking myself into a mental health hospital. He was pissed, I was proud — and in some ways I wonder if I was really suicidal or just attempting to spite him. In any regard, on this anniversary, a whole year later, I simply can’t be anything but reflective. I have certainly come a long way in the past year, and think I can honestly say (finally!) that I am over him. Yes, he is on my mind, at least today, and the heartbreak, and abuse I tolerated during our relationship has shaped who I am, but today, I am beyond proud of myself — where I am in life… and who I have become. I know no guy will ever treat me the way he did, because I won’t allow it. They aren’t worth my time. And I treat myself better than I have ever. His and my relationship was awful, but like all things, there is always a silver lining. Learning to make myself number one in my life is exactly that.
Today also marks my seventh month mark of being sober. For those who don’t know, it’s really not your business, and this is one area I keep to myself, but just know that it took quite a bit to get me to this point, I had to literally hit rock bottom. I did. And it sucked. Hardcore sucked, in fact. I hurt everyone I cared about, and cared nothing about myself — which is certainly not healthy in the slightest. I remember in the my anonymous group meetings that I went to, though I have never attended regularly, I would listen to these speakers talk about how far they got within six months or a year of them stopping the use of various substances.
I never believed them.
But today I do.
Here I am, living in Virginia, a place I never thought I would live, with two jobs, great neighbors and my roommate who I love quite a bit. I honestly don’t think I have been happier. Nor more proud of myself.
I just worked a ten hour day, because all of my managers love me (I have six of them). I was left alone to run things today, after just the third day of me working at one place, and was begged to come in and help (because they needed someone “competent” to help open the store that opens hopefully next week). To know that I did this mostly on my own (as in getting the job, and being my amazing self), and to know that I am truly unstoppable, is one of the greatest feelings ever.
Both of these anniversaries basically sneaked up on me, and I think that alone just speaks volumes to the life I have created for myself… I have been so busy that not only can I not update my blog as much as I want (sorry folks) but I didn’t even remember these two very important dates. I am beyond proud of myself — and nothing anyone can think, say, or feel about my accomplishments at this point, will have the same significance as my own pride in myself, in staying clean and honestly finding my happiness again, does.
I know my dad follows my blog consistently, and know he doesn’t like rap, but I think this sums up my general feeling, and I implore him (and you) to listen to this song. Not only am I not afraid, but I am beyond excited for many more anniversaries just like this one. ❤