According to the United States federal government, I am disabled. And if I let them, or the state of Arizona, have their way, I would be getting state and federally funded treatment for my mental health problems and will be pumped with medication to not feel a thing.
And I wouldn’t be working. And, you, the tax payer, would be paying for it. All of it.
Certainly, considering my past (I have overdosed before, attempted suicide, and have a known history of having bipolar disorder) there is reason to believe that I should receive mental health treatment and the medication that comes with it.
But, ever since I left Arizona and stopped using any and all medication, which are, in fact drugs, I have been on a roller coaster of feelings. When I first stopped, I finally felt all the pain that I hadn’t felt since I started.
Which hurt, quite a bit. It was tough, I wanted to not feel a thing, as the pain so easily dragged me into a depressive state. But, since stopping I have also felt joy about the simplest things a person could. From fresh cut grass under my feet, to the soft sprinkles of rain, to the beautiful sound of a friend’s voice.
All in all, it’s been tough giving up the very thing that I needed to not feel a thing. But, I think it was important, because for me at least, in order to live, I have to feel. My emotions are one of my strengths, and something that drives me to write, smile, and spread the love that I have for life.
They recommend bipolar folks like me stay on medication because we have “highs” and “lows” and they worry that those highs can cause us to become psychotic, and the lows can cause us to be depressed. Supposedly, I have experienced both. But to not feel a thing, well, that has always been the worst part for me. It causes me to be in a bizarre state of indifference. You could shoot yourself in front of me, and I wouldn’t be able to react at all. I would be completely emotionless.
I think there are incidences where it is important to not be able to feel. Sometimes the pain is far to overwhelming. I know after the Joker and I broke up, I was hurt, and that pain continued on for months and months, and here, nearing a year later, and still get a bit of anixiety when various things remind me of him. I think counseling is very important as well.
But medication is a drug. To suggest that I shouldn’t use other drugs but be on medication is somewhat hypocritical, as neither tend to work well with me. Both leave me feeling nothing. There is certainly a time and place when life, especially in our modern society, takes it toll on our human spirit. And that’s when medication and talk therapy comes in handy.
However, I do not believe that either is a long term method for stopping depression or mania. Both have to come from inside yourself.
You have to, at least in my opinion, utilize what you can from the manic episodes, and the depressive ones, and learn to live with it. You have to cope. I love to write, and color, and have learned various techniques to simply cope.
But not to long ago the man I intend on marrying said to me that I will someday need to cope with my condition, that I have highs, lows and time in between, and that each have it’s own benefit. I think his words really struck a chord with me.
I am not advocating for anyone to blindly stop their mental health treatment. I am not certain if what I am doing is right, however, it’s what feels right to me, and when it comes down to it, it’s my life, and I have to live the way I see fit. And you, whoever you are, are simply going to have to respect it.