Finding My Virginity, Again

I am no virgin. Sorry Mom and Dad. And sorry to those who don’t like reading about gay sex, or me having gay sex. If that offends you, I insist that you stop reading now. Or not. You might actually be surprised at what I have to say, so really, if you are curious as to my epiphany regarding sex and my sexuality and gays, sit back, keep your hands off your lap, what I realized might just blow your mind (no pun intended). I know it very much blew mine.
Sex is a part of all of us. But for me, well, I like it. A lot. I enjoy having sex because it feels good, and I have a strong admiration for beautiful things, such as that of a naked male body. There have been moments in my life where I considered sex addiction as a real possibility. There have been other moments in my life where I considered prostitution as a possible career choice.
Because my love of sex is so explosive, it should go on to make sense that I enjoy self pleasure. Masturbation is one of the most beautiful forms of self love and I think a huge part of your own sexuality. I think everyone should explore, by themselves, all sorts of masturbation techniques, everyone should feel free to figure out what feels good, what doesn’t, and so on. It’s a safe way to determine what sort of lover you will be before you even are sexually active.
Lately, however, I have been shying away from sex. When presented with an opportunity to engage in a form of wild passion I am hesitant to proceed, and somewhat out of character of me, I simply don’t. In fact, I am currently on the longest running dry spell I have had since I lost my virginity at nineteen.
I love sex, don’t get me wrong, nothing about that fact has changed but lately, I just haven’t been feeling it like I used to. No, nothing is wrong down under, either, but instead it’s as if my switch has been turned off. For me, faking passion, as I do when I am not mentally connected to a man seems like work. Pleasing someone else seems so silly to me. Psychologically, I am certain I could go on for decades attempt to determine the cause and effect as to what has happened to my once quite liberal sex drive.
So, without the real need or want for sex, I am left pondering that perhaps there is something to be said about waiting until marriage.
While that would have been a lovely idea for me before I slept with half of the gay population in suburban Arizona, and most of the straight one too, it simply was unattainable, because marriage was unattainable.
But here, in New York, my wonderful new home, there is such a thing as gay marriage. Two people can wait to share themselves until they take vows before each other, their family and friends, and God now despite their orientation.
That’s pretty exciting. What’s also exciting is Millionaire Matchmaker and the lady (I forget her name) saying no sex until monogamy.
Lately, I am starting to feel like this might be a solution to my challenge of falling for guys long before they have fallen for me, and falling for them harder than I care to mention. For me, sex is emotional, and faking that emotion with random partners, in loveless acts, is tough.
But making love is not. I have tried just about everything I can think of sexually, both alone and with partners. With the exception of women (though not for a lack of curiosity, but alas my bi-side is a whole post in itself), sexually, I have done it all I feel like. Including making love, and frankly, I loved I. Those few precious times, where the emotional and physical connection are so tightly embraced like two branches intertwining, are what having sex is all about. One thing I haven’t tried is waiting until marriage and making deep, committed, passionate love on my wedding night.
Now considering I can not only get married here in New York, but that my sex switch is no longer set to “sex” but rather stuck on “love,” in addition to the fact that the new movie “What’s Your Number?” has me thinking about mine, I am considering of finding the secondary virginity card that they talked about in my abstinence-only, heterosexual-only, sex education classes. Mostly, I really want to celebrate my identity as a sexual being with a man I am going to be celebrating my life with.
So, while I certainly am hesitant to make too many promises on my blog regarding my sex life, I will say this, though I love sex, I love myself more, and I deserve all that love in return. Sexually, I might just be waiting until marriage before I hop in the sack with anyone, again.

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