I Am Number One

While I was in high school my eleventh grade English teacher and I had an ongoing debate as to whether ignorance was indeed bliss. He took the position that honest was always best. I agreed, honesty was best, but sometimes it’s better not to know things.

This ongoing debate has continued to this day, but I must concede my point – ignorance is never bliss.

He wins.

I concede my point because in the past year of my life, I have had more than one very rude awakening, and have discovered that quite a bit goes on around me, without me ever knowing about it, and much of it has had to with me.

In the past I have been called “self absorbed” as if I do not see what is happening while it happens. Fact is, this is true. For quite a bit of time, I have worried about my tasks, closing out the outside world, not worrying about what those I trust are doing.

But this is no way to live life. Relying on others to be honest, and have your best intentions in mind is no way to live life. As I have slowly started to open my eyes, I have realized that in terms of life everyone has an opinion as to how you should live your life. Everyone will voice this opinion in one form or fashion. Being a people-pleaser I have often taken suggestions as rules, and ran with them. At the end of the day, though, I am responsible for my life, so what I do to please others in how they think I should run my life cannot apply.

I do not have the ability to be anyone I am not. Not anymore. It takes too much energy, and is, quite literally, nothing but a lie. I’ve lived many lies, and I don’t want to anymore. Following anyone the advice of others is one thing, letting them command your life is not. I have always had a “Queen B” tell me how to live. Not anymore. I’m the Queen B.

As I have opened my eyes, I have realized that some people do genuinely care about others. But we are all selfish in some form or fashion, and our needs should (and for many often do) come before others. No one else will have me be number one in their life, so it’s up to me. I am, and will forever be, Ray’s number one person. The number two slot is open, but number one in my life is me. Yes, it’s selfish, and it’s how we all should be living. I haven’t been. Not until more recently. 

I have opened my eyes, and I have come to learn that honesty is the best policy, and that when it comes to my life, I make my own decisions, no one else – and at the end of the day, it’s me who gets to decide since it’s me who has to live with it. So despite what everyone may want, I know what’s best for me. As my Dad would say in situations like this: “Fuck them if they can’t take a joke.”

And really I think he’s right.

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