I have made a deal with my best friend and Facebook brother, Chris, that I would refrain from dating for the next year. (This in turn means more blogging, which is good – for my career and not good for my family and friends who will find themselves the topic of various blog posts).
This decision to not date, and let me be clear here it’s not for a full year, but until I am no longer 24, so almost a year, like 11-ish months, comes hastily and like all good decisions made on the spot, wisely, simply, I need to reconnect with myself.
Almost a year ago I was dumped by my first ever boyfriend. That relationship didn’t end then and there as it should have, instead he moved into my home, beat me, blamed me for all of his problems, did lots of drugs, and finally went to rehab. He ruined my life in some ways. In most ways he saved it (details to how he saved it will come at a different time). Literally, when I was finally done with him, done caring, when my broken heart could take no more, I met my second boyfriend, and like a fast burning flame, that quickly went out.
The reality I noticed in both of these relationships is that I more often than not was willing to sacrifice myself (this included my happiness, health, money, sleep, career, and overall well being) for my partner. This is what I once thought love meant.
But love doesn’t mean that. No, love means knowing when to say no, knowing when to walk away, knowing who you are enough to bring it to the relationship wisely but rationally… never entering anything with your entire heart in your hand ready to hand it over.
I have fallen in love once more, and that is with myself. I might make mistakes all too often, I might be self-absorbed, but damn-it, I am worth every bit of my self-absorption. So for the next year or so, everyone can come second to me – because ain’t no one else putting my needs, my happiness, my well being at number one…
No one but me.