During the past year, I have been brought to look at myself, and upon viewing myself, I have started to question my role with in the gender sphere, questioning my masculinity traits verse femininity at large, and where my traits fall within the gay community at large. I am not sure if every gay man and woman does this, for me it’s been more annoying than anything, and really has me questioning how I am acting before I actually act.
This of course comes after coming out of an abusive relationship with a straight-acting man who confessed he wanted to become a woman and was obsessed with breasts, as well as after dating a guy who was relatively masculine, but who had sexually explored more than I could ever want to, didn’t believe in monogamy, and could put things into his butt the size of a 2 liter bottle of a Coke. Needless to say, I played the “guy” usually in all ways in those relationships, from sexually “topping” to making the decisions by and large, to being the one with a job, and bringing home the money. And mind you, I haven’t really been serious with many people. Just these two in fact, and both were Hurricane Katrina disastrous in their own right, both were relatively sad in how they ended, both leaving me wondering – if I like to wear pink why the fuck have I been the one taking charge in these relationships – it can’t be because I have been big dick.
The truth is, while dating my first boyfriend, though he controlled me with violence and anger, I very much played “the man” role. It could be because I was the only that made the money, thus I got to make the decisions. I decided everything, really, in terms of what we ate to when we ate it. He beat me when I said something wrong, and I learned the hard way to shut up, even though my one liners remain beautiful. My second boyfriend was very much the same sad pussy, minus the hitting for the most part. He threatened. He threw temper tantrums, but I played masculine role by and large – making the decisions, though always wanting direction from the so-called “man” I was dating. I also made the money.
So while dating, I played the “man” if you will, but post dating, I have noticed the reversal of roles, to which I am suddenly the one sending the texts, the bitter one, the one crying, the one left feeling hurt, used, torn, blah, blah, blah.
I have wondered if this is a common gay relationship thing. Is there really any way to understand gay relationships at large anyway? Am I playing the man in the relationship only to play the girl in the after-relationship because I am bipolar?
I am uncertain about all of this. I wonder how much penis size and income played into it too.
But it has left me to wonder what sort of role I play in the gay community at large. It has left me wondering if I am more masculine or feminine in general, and so on.
The reality is, I have never really been one to be too terribly conscious of whether I am a man or a woman. I can go days without showering, love Britney Spears, have awful toe nails that need a pedicure, love watching Sex and City, know nothing about cars or “manscapping” and just be myself.
And though I now have been wondering where I fall in this gendered world, I realize, I don’t have to play into it. I can just keep doing what I do – by myself, because I am pretty damn cool like that and I have a big dick and sometimes have the income to back it.