Having Faith and Standing Alone

I have quite a bit of a faith tonight about the people in my world, and wish to share it, if for nothing else, because I need to get it out there.

  • I have faith in the man I once loved to find courage and accept love no matter where it comes from or the package. I truly believe he can and will use love offered to him in the upcoming months and years ahead to help guide him and give him the strength I know he needs. He is more than capable of standing on his own, but accepting love has always been tough for that boy. Darkness often plagues him, and sometimes with good reason, but I believe he will someday embrace love. Certainly, I am praying it will be soon, as I know the road ahead is tough for him, but I also know there are many who care for him, wanting nothing from him but to see him do well. I am among those. Yes, there are many elements to his and my relationship that remain truly regrettable — flat out heartbreaking in fact — but one thing is for certain, there was love there, hearts there to be broken, and that love doesn’t go away. Pain and mistakes can be forgiven and forgotten with time and will, but love never does disappear. I also have faith that someday he’ll learn to accept love in various forms, and trust he’ll someday understand no one is perfect. Some do not know how to show love, like his parents, but that never means that love doesn’t exist. I believe he can, will, and must do this without me physically present, as that place in his life ends now, but my love constantly, silently, is always there, as I will always be rooting for him, always wanting to hold him to make the pain go away, but now knowing that his pain comes from him and him alone and he can only be healed by himself. I believe he has true potential to be genuinely happy person, and faithfully hope to see from away that person’s smile, someday.
  • I have faith in my Dad. I know he can and will someday believe in me as he once did. He will someday not just believe in me, but in himself, and how he raised his children as well. Tonight he accused me of something that hurt at first. The pain stemmed mostly from him being unwilling to listen to me, as he believed truly the worst. This wasn’t the father who raised me. The father who sung to me as I fell asleep as kid. I said to him during his phone attack, that when he realizes he’s in the wrong, he’ll apologize and I’ll treat him the same way he is treating me right now. He naturally apologized when he realized he was in the wrong and instead of rejecting him, I embraced him. He said he is “just an asshole sometimes” — but I have faith he knows he isn’t. He is a man driven by, well, love. Sometimes he let’s fear get the best of him, and I realized this, but I believe the lesson he learned tonight was that I maybe disappointed in him – that reality isn’t permanent. Just as I am faithful that he will someday believe in me like he once did, I know someday I won’t be disappointed, as he can only cause pain where there is love first.  
  • I have faith in my “new” friend Dan to get what he needs himself, as he knows he’s more than capable. He has already overcome a great deal in his life, accomplished much, and the what he faces tonight is nothing that doesn’t require him to work hard. Reality is, Dan is more than capable of putting in that extra work.
  • I have faith in my roommate Jee’s ability to forgive. Very recently I did something very awful, that in fact disrespected and hurt her. There is no excuse really to what I did, but she was naturally hurt. She knows why I did what I did, and I know why she reacted how she did, and someday, I do believe that she’ll find forgiveness. She has the ability to love unconditionally like when her and I were first drawn to each other, she reached out to a near stranger (me) in need on a bus, who was broken and sad, and saved his life. Anyone who can give that kind of love to someone she doesn’t quite know can forgive. And with time I believe my mistake will heal and our friendship can grow.     
  • I have faith in my friend Nicole to not only achieve greatness, but honestly believe she’ll do so with such grace and integrity that she’ll probably die poor because she Nicole held on to what truly matters in life, and likely will end up giving her last few pennies to a stranger better off than herself. I think Nicole’s greatness will be that she’ll be happy, having experienced lives true blessings, with nothing but love and acceptance on her contagious. Someday, Nicole will have such faith in herself. She may doubt what she’s done with her life thus far, comparing it to idiots like me, but not realizing that I have compared my life and my accomplishments to her — often impressed by what she has been able to do, that I am simply not strong enough for.

The reality is I have faith in good. From those doubting themselves to doubting me — there is a future in each of us. Tonight, I have faith in my friends, my family really, but I also have faith in myself. I have faith that I’ll continue to carry on, will climb to the top again, will love unconditionally until the end of time, will grow when I am hurt, will certainly fall down but will stand up again. Today is just today, tomorrow is where the excitement is at. Yes, we’ve all seen a lot. Most of us have been through too much. But because we’ve been through so much, tested by some of the evils in the world, we have learned to stand on our own — and will not only do so now, we’ll learn that there are some damn good things in the world and standing up after the fall is what life is all about.

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