Love: The Best & Worst Thing

I’ve been struggling to write this post for quite some time now. There’s so much to say. Some much I don’t want to say. Some much I won’t say.
So, to start, let me note: this is not all of my experiences over the past couple of months, but rather a quick overview so I can move on, because its about time that I allow myself to do that.
Several months ago I fell in love with a guy. It’s funny to me, looking back, that I did in fact fall in love with him, as I didn’t mean to. In fact, I didn’t even mean to date him. But as instantly as I met him, we dated, and shortly there after I did in fact fall in love.
And for quite some time it was perfect. I loved him. He loved me. I stayed true to who I was. I could even say I was happy with who I was.
However, as quickly as I had fallen, he slowly started convincing me to do things vastly outside of my moral code and behavior. Things were very slowly brought into my life, and frankly I could have said no, ended it there, but here he was, the man I loved, asking me to do something, and so I did it.
And again, and again. And slowly my moral code that I had held strongly to for quite some time was gone.
I am, again, not going into specifics here. Will openly discuss it with friends and family, but there’s no need to discuss it here.
Well, summer came, and my boyfriend went back to where he came from, and I was alone, but slowly fell back into my ways. I missed him, as anyone would, but knew I would see him again. In fact, a trip was planned, and when that time came I was more than excited.
When I got to the airport, I called him to make him come get me. He was confused, thinking my flight was later, which baffled me since I had told him more than once the right time, and forwarded the times to his email. But on that phone call I knew something was up, it was ending.
The moment I saw him, same thing. There was something different in his eyes, that guy I had fallen in love with was gone. But still we carried on, as I in love.
Well, shortly there after I was dumped, heart-broken, and felt incredibly alone. That was the last I should have seen or heard from him.
But being me, that isn’t how the story ends. It should have been. I should have been heart-broken and moved on. Instead, when he needed a place to stay, he came to my home, running away the violence he created and then left back home.
Again, I should have not answered my phone that day, I should have ignored him, much how he ignored me in the months apart. But that isn’t my style. My heart, and my love for him, was far to big. So I let him move in, and for a short time it was okay, except again, he continued to have that power over me to get me to do things I would never have done. Letting him back into my house is a good example of that, as is spend too much money to make him happy.
Not sure if any of you have been in an abusive relationship. Well, that’s apparently how it begins. First your moral code is destroyed and then when they punch you in the face one morning, you hide, tell no one. I did this. Didn’t say a word for quite some time. On the fourth day, I couldn’t be quiet anymore, I said something to friends and openly objected to him. He truly was not my problem, and needed out.
I got strangled. Pinned down, spit on and called a faggot. I have only been called a faggot twice in my life, both times by him, this was the first. When I finally got him off of me, I got to the kitchen, grabbed a knife and got him out. Called police, had him arrested, filed a restraining order.
I then went ballistic, felt guilty, because even with that restraining order he made me feel like shit, and after a fair number of attempts at killing myself, I checked myself into a mental hospital. That was the best decision I made for me.
But like a fool, when he contacted me in violation of that restraining order after I got out, I ended up answer, letting him again back into my life. And again, he slowly corrupted it. But something had changed, I finally cared about me and knew there was a way to live without him.
My final good-bye if you will came when him and I went to Prescott. I had in fact felt that it was time to let go prior but needed something to make me.
I was showing him Prescott, my hometown, he said he didn’t care. And I realized then, that the man I fell in love with was long gone, replaced with this monster. It’s all in the eyes.
In all honesty though, I am thankful he said that. I said nothing then, even slept on it after dropping him off. But each time I thought about it, I knew it was over, Prescott was my home, and if you can’t appreciate my home, the simplicity and beauty of my home, then you have no right being in my life.
So I said goodbye. Via text, because that seemed best, and besides being called a faggot for the now second time, I got a string of threats, told he never loved me, and he hated me.
And honestly, it didn’t matter. He doesn’t have the control over me that he was had, and once loved.
If he never loved me, that’s truly his loss. I’m quite loveable. And that doesn’t change the fact that I did have months where I did love someone, almost bought a ring for him, and am proud that I retained my heart through it all.
There some things people can take from you. Some things people can say to you. But they can’t take away your heart. And my heart is still beating strong, still able to love. It certainly got broken, but the wonderful thing is it heals.
So, while it would be easy to walk away and say that I hate him, that he destroyed my life, and some have said he did, I can only say, he changed it. I will always love the man I met and never intended to fall in love with but did. He was a good man. And I’ll always be afraid of the man he became.
And sure, my life has been greatly altered, but I got to find myself again, and realize that those who love me won’t ask me to change my moral code, break a rule here, do this with them, they will simply love me, for every bit of amazing I truly am.
That man, will be the one I marry.

3 comments

  1. Wow, Ray. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'll be praying for you to stay strong. Some days you will get you really down. Other days will be positive and hopeful. It takes strength, love, and family to keep you going. I love you for who you are…my Ray of sunshine!!!

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